It is my 5th anniversary of running a live commentary for the AFC Championship. As our host Jim Nantz might say, it has become a tradition unlike any other.
Sure, with my love of Twiter, this is just a delayed version of what I would be saying anyway but on the bright side I won’t be spending half the game editing myself to get down to that annoying 140 character limit.
So, let’s dive right in.
- Jim Nantz and Phil Simms’ feathered hair greet us and send us to the field where Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler sings the national anthem. Between Tyler, Phil’s hair and the 49ers/Giants game later today, I am suddenly feeling very nostalgic for the 1980’s. May have to play some Men At Work at halftime.
- Also, I am imagining roughly 478,976 comments mocking Tyler’s singing American Idol-style.
- First commercial break and we get an ad for Ghost Rider Two? How did a movie that never should have been made, spawn a sequel? Is this like Chinese parents having a second child solely because they were disappointed that their first child was a girl?
- And we have kick-off. Ravens don’t bring it out which pretty much sums up their entire offensive philosophy
- 3 and out, after runs by Ray Rice, Ricky Williams and Joe Flacco. Only one of these has a moustache that makes him look like an extra on Justified. He is the one that also runs like an extra on Justified.
- Patriots almost block the punt and Jim Nantz has already shown more emotion than the entire season to this point. It sounds like he got a Gus Johnson blood transfusion this week.
-Three and out for the Patriots. I take back everything I said, Tebow really could be a championship QB based on what I have seen so far today.
- Is it a good sign that the announcers discuss whether the Ravens have confidence in Flacco on the 2nd drive of the game, followed by Flacco taking a sack? Probably not.
- 3 drives, no first downs. The Tebow offensive game plan is revolutionizing the NFL right before our eyes.
- Patriots get the game’s first first down with 2 running plays. Sad, that this is a highlight.
- Julian Edelman has already played running back, wide receiver and defensive back. He is the most-Patriot Patriot ever.
- A lot of stuff just happened but because of a penalty none of it happened. It was the Christopher Nolan film of football plays.
- Pass to Gronkowski, who gets the ball to the 10-yard line before Ravens tackle him. Tackling Gronkowski? That wasn’t in the Broncos game plan last week, good coaching Ravens.
- Ray Lewis just effectively covered Wes Welker on 3rd and long, so if you are scoring at home: Stabby > Scrappy
- Field goal Patriots. 3-0. Yes, I am as excited as it seems.
- Yep, a 3 and out Ravens with another Flacco sack. I’m just going to put this phrase in auto-fill
- The fact that Domino’s thinks something called ‘undercheesing’ is a national crisis, makes me weep. And I blame them for my tears being greasy, cheesy goodness
- Pats start driving but LaDarius Webb makes a diving interception of Brady on a pass to Edelman. In fairness, maybe Brady got confused and thought Edelman was playing defense.
- First play of Ravens drive and Flacco throws deep on the run to Torrey Smith, who I’m pretty sure is incapable of running anything but straight down the field.
- Michael Oher gets hurt on a running play. I assume when he gets to the sideline, Sandra Bullock will come down out of the stands and tell him to shake it off.
- Wasn’t Torrey Smith the name of one of the mean girls in Heathers? Patriots might want to spike his Gatorade with Drano soon
- End of the first quarter with Ravens in the red zone.
- New E-Trade baby commercial that somehow makes less sense than the others, a remarkable feat.
- Flacco completion on 3rd down to start 2nd quarter but it appears a half yard short and the field goal team comes out. Way to avoid an opportunity for drama and excitement Harbaugh. 3-3.
- Afer kick-off, The Law Firm peels off 2 straight 10+yard runs. Ray Lewis fought The Law and The Law won.
- A long completion to the Gronk, a face mask penalty and The Law Firm runs in for the game’s first touchdown. This Tom Brady guys has a future but I’m afraid he will always be derided as a Game Manager. 10-3 Patriots.
- Dr Pepper wants us all to express our individuality by using their corporate hashtag #Ima followed by what describes us. So individuality is now defined as acting like a sheep at the direction of a corporation – got it.
- Anquan Boldin with a long completion on the post route. Now that is the Pats defense we all know and love.
- 3rd and 1 and CBS shows Cam Cameron on the sideline. I bet he wishes he could call a reverse to Ted Ginn right now. (Painful joke for Dolphins fans only).
- First down for Ravens and then a touchdown pass from Flacco to Dennis Pitta. Of course a quarterback with the moustache of a gyro cart attendant throws to a guy named Pitta.
- I know several people that used to work for IBM. Not a single one worked on ‘building a smarter planet’. Most of them worked on ‘making money for IBM’. I assume these are different divisions or something?
- That joke is truly a tradition unlike any other
- Pats moving the ball again. Tight ends on crossing patterns and runs up the middle are gouging the Ravens – you know – plays that take advantage of older linebackers that dance better than they play.
- Gronkowski fails to keep his feet inbounds on a 3rd down completion and the Patriots kick another field goal. I’m not even going to try and type the name of the Pats kicker as there is zero chance I get it right.
- Commercial for the new movie 21 Jump Street. Even Steven Tyler is like “I can’t believe they dusted off that old relic and brought it back.”
- Long 3rd down completion by Ravens with 1:50 to play pretty much ensures the Pats won’t cover the 1st half spread. Damn you Joe Flacco. Damn you to hell.
- Jim Nantz just got Julian Edelman and Wes Welker confused. Bill Belichick’s scrappy receiver cloning scheme is working to perfection.
- After Ravens punt, Pats just take a knee a couple times and finish out the half. I haven’t seen Brady quit on anything that blatantly since he dumped Bridget Moynahan.
- Halftime summary: blah, blah, blah. Brady needs to play better. Flacco has a stupid moustache. (paraphrasing)
- After the game comes back and some players start jawing at each other, Phil Simms says that Ray Lewis would be the last person he would trash talk because “…umm he can talk really well.” Good rationale. Here is mine: HE ONCE KILLED A MAN.
- Patriots driving. Hernandez has a couple runs and receptions. But, as a former teammate, what does he think of Tebow? Hope the Denver Post gets an interview after the game.
- Drive stalls and ‘He Who Can’t Be Spelled’ kicks another field goal. 16-10 Patriots.
- Ravens drive and former Gator Brandon Spikes gets in a little shoving match. There are so many Gators on the Patriots it is too bad Nick Saban left the Dolphins because he would definitely dominate the Pats.
- Another 3rd down completion by Flacco. He is looking shockingly competent. Or maybe I’ve just forgotten what it is like to watch an AFC title game without Mark Sanchez participating.
- Torrey Smith breaks a tackle on a short 3rd down completion and runs it in for a diving, sprawling touchdown that is confirmed on review. Smith is a rookie from Maryland, and this touchdown officially makes him the most successful Terp ever to play in the NFL not named Boomer.
- Hard as it is to believe, we now have a 17-16 game. When did this get interesting?
- A sequel to Clash of the Titans? Shortly after a 21 Jump Street commercial. I seriously need to get my Members Only jacket out of storage.
- Fumble on the kickoff by Danny Woodhead and the Ravens recover. Hard to believe a decade of drafting no talent at skill positions would end up biting the Patriots.
- Joe Flacco on a long keeper to get near the 10-yard line. We are getting precariously close to Eli Manning being the best quarterback remaining in the playoffs. I’m not comfortable living in this world.
- Big sack on 3rd, so the Ravens settle for field goal attempt. Good. 20-16 Ravens.
- First play after the kick-off is a long completion to the Gronk but he tweaks a leg on the tackle. OH and irony alert, it was Bernard Pollard with the tackle! If the Pats are an evil empire, Bernard Pollard is the Uma Thurman character on a one-man crusade for justice.
- Another Raven interception wiped out by penalty. Somewhere David Stern is watching this and thinking: “Well done, NFL. Well done.” End of the 3rd quarter.
- Brady and the Law Firm denied from the 1-yard line. On 4th down, Brady goes up and over with a dive for the touchdown to take the lead 23-20.
- The Ravens are pounding the ball with Ricky Williams and Ray Rice. Going right at the Pats defense like they are burning clock for a last minute touchdown…
- Right up until Flacco throws an interception to Brandon Spikes. There is the Flacco we all know and love.
- Peyton Manning is now doing Papa John’s commercials with Papa John and Jerome Bettis. I wish Rob Lowe had warned us about that.
- Long ball by Brady is tipped by Uma Pollard in the end zone and rookie Jimmy Smith gets the interception. Back to back interceptions and Tim Tebow yells at his TV: “See! I can play as well as these guys!”
- 4th and 6 from the Pats 33-yard line and the Ravens line up to go for it. As someone who publicly picked the Pats to cover that 7.5 point spread, I am wholly in favor of the Ravens foregoing the tying field goal here.
- Pressure up the middle and the incomplete pass by Flacco. That was entirely predictable. I have too much respect for the Harbaugh clan, so I will blame Cam Cameron for that decision.
- Patriots doing an admirable job of running the ball, failing to cover the spread, and failing to gain a first down. Really the trifecta of failure here. Two-minute warning.
- Incomplete pass on 3rd down. Pats cover is done. Only chance at getting the Over is overtime. And yes gambling is more important than the outcome of the actual game. It’s not like this the Fantasy football championship weekend or something.
- 3rd and 1 from mid-field with a minute to play and after catching a short out Anquan Boldin sneaks down the sideline for a 29-yard gain.
- Lee Evans drops a touchdown pass when it is knocked out of his hands. Ravens were that close to winning it out-right. After knocked down 3rd down pass, Ravens attempt a field to goal to tie with 15 seconds.
- He shanked it. Unbelievable. If Billy Cundiff is found stabbed in a gutter somewhere later, Ray Lewis definitely did not do it.
- Hard to believe there were 2 separate epic choke jobs on that final drive and neither involved Joe Flacco.
- Patriots win – back to the Super Bowl and I am off to cheer on the 49ers. Let’s hope at least one Harbaugh makes the Super Bowl.
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